


the stars were dimmed blue

by hoodiestrings



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Phan, 2016 Phan, Flashback, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, Mostly Fluff, TATINOF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:53:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25340428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hoodiestrings/pseuds/hoodiestrings
Summary: Dan only wanders closer to him. He is crying, he realizes, but he only moves until all he could feel is Phil pressed against him, sweaaty and warm and familiar. “I wasn’t – I wasn’t –” he laughs sadly “I loved you and you loved me but it wasn’t enough –”“Dan,” Phil whispers.Dan could feel Phil’s heart picking up speed.“I’m sorry,” he tells him, tears flowing down his cheeks “I’m sorry. I denied everything so long –”( or the one where Dan wasn't ready, and then, gradually, he was )
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 43





	the stars were dimmed blue

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING : internalized homophobia. not described in detail but please, please, please proceed with caution.
> 
> p.s. it was supposed to be cute and fluffy. i dont know how it turned into ... this.

It was not supposed to be so easy to fall in love. But it was. And before Dan could hold his footing, he is falling, face first into the one thing he is the most scared of. Sure, he thought Phil’s hot (he still does) – that’s why he clicked on his video in the first place – and when they became closer, and Phil eventually asked him to Skype, Dan thought, _good, this crush would finally go away._

Except, it didn’t.

He thought that Phil’s imperfections would make him loose the feelings. He thought maybe … maybe once Dan realizes than Phil is just a human, and not the perfect being he has made him up to be in his head, he would get over him.

But the more he learnt about him, the more he fell.

It was slow, gradual, like gentle waves crashing over on the shore. Dan didn’t realize what the butterflies in his stomach meant until they were lying down on the snow near the abandoned hospital.

So long ago, it was, back in 2009.

“You won’t kill me here, right?” Dan had joked, turning towards Phil.

Phil didn’t reply. He had just laughed, tongue caught between his teeth, and Dan thought, _shit, I’m in love with you._

He didn’t realize his eyes were burning because he couldn’t deny it any longer. He was the one thing he was scared of being, the one thing he was told and shouted at and _fucking beaten a pulp_ to not be. Because being what he is, is a sin, and people like him are bound to hell. He had spent enough hours staring at himself in the mirror, naked body flushed red from the shower he took. He had spent enough time singling out each flaw, both mental and physical, until he was unable to _move_ from his bed _._

He was a mess, and above all, he was _scared._

“Dan?” Phil had called out, concerned.

Dan had just blinked and stared up at the sky. The stars were dimmed blue, and he thought: _I’m in love with you. I’m in love with every flaw and every insecurity and I am so, so scared._

“Phil?” Dan had said, voice thick “You won’t leave me, right?”

Phil didn’t reach out to touch him. His eyes had always been guarded. But he was an open book then, and the intensity of the feelings in his eyes had knocked Dan’s breath away. “Never,” he had said, and then, “I’ll wait forever for you.”

Dan had whimpered, because, _of course, Phil understood._ He always had. But his mind was rushing, and his hands couldn’t stop trembling.

“I’m not worth waiting for, Phil.”

Phil had grabbed his hand, and gave him a smile, something warm and firm at the same time. “You don’t get to decide that, Dan,” Phil had said, voice certain “ _I_ do. And I know that you are worth waiting forever for.”

If Dan hadn’t known, he had known then.

-

The screams bring him out of his mind now, and he realizes that the show is drawing closer to an end. It’s almost scary how far into his brain he was, that he hadn’t even realize. The fans will question him later, maybe, most definitely, and he would laugh and say _I got a bit emotional, you know, it was the last show,_ and they would laugh too, and call him a sap. But Phil … Phil would corner him once they are backstage, and ask him whether he is okay with worried eyes.

Phil does.

And Dan looks at him and says, “In 2009, when we were lying in the snow –”

Phil grabs a hold of him, “Not here.”

But Dan only wanders closer to him. He is crying, he realizes, but he only moves until all he could feel is Phil pressed against him, sweaty and warm and familiar. “I wasn’t – I wasn’t –” he laughs sadly “I loved you and you loved me but it wasn’t enough –”

“Dan,” Phil whispers.

Dan could feel Phil’s heart picking up speed.

“I’m sorry,” he tells him, tears flowing down his cheeks “I’m sorry. I denied everything so long –”

Phil hugs him, tight to his chest. “Shut up,” he says, voice shaky, thick, his chest heaving “It’s not your fault, okay? You weren’t ready. Dan, you were e _ighteen._ Barely an adult. I wouldn’t have – not … not so soon, at least.”

Dan pulls back, eyes boring into Phil’s.

His mind is at ease this time, and his hands are steady.

“I’m ready now,”

Phil smiles, and presses a kiss to his forehead, “Baby steps?”

And Dan laughs, because even after all these years, Phil understands.

-

Dan kisses him for the first time much, much later, when they walk into their flat after the tour is done.

Phil holds him close and mumbles, _I love you,_ against his lips.

Dan pulls away and giggles, “I love you too,” and then, in a softer voice, “Thank you. For waiting.”

Phil smiles, like he did in 2009, warm and firm at the same time. Dan doesn’t feel a heaviness in his chest this time, because he is ready. He is finally ready. It took years of courage and years of telling himself, _you’re fine, you’re you, you’re valid_ , but he is here now. He is here.

“Told you I’ll wait forever for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed!


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